It’s been awhile since I’ve written. I feel out of practice and the keyboard feels clumsy under my fingers.
You might have noticed I haven’t been writing as much lately. The reason is simple.
Writing is a place where I get to exercise my soul and spirit. Momentary Delight has been about me metaphorically running through a meadow in the afternoon sun.
To write I need to be in a place of joy. In short, I haven’t been feeling much joy lately and so I haven’t been writing as much. No running through the meadows for me. Not sure if you can relate.
Yeah, I feel a little phony. From the outset, I’ve wanted to be real and authentic on this blog (at least this has been my stated intention), but in these moments when I feel truly down, I lose all self-expression. I cannot write. I lose interest in things which once gave me joy. I usually just want to go to bed at 9pm.
In those moments I’d like to explain my feelings to you, but it’s hard to explain, what I don’t fully understand myself.
For a time, I honestly wondered if I was going to continue writing this blog. Maybe its run its course. Maybe I have nothing else I want to say? Maybe I have nothing else worth saying?
A few years ago, I was in a church where it was hard to express vulnerability. It was good to be vulnerable, but you didn’t want to be too vulnerable. You didn’t want to be too honest. This was an awkward space. Feeling a lack of joy, or (even worse) feeling depression were clear signs you were deep in sin and needed to repent. As a result, you might want to rededicate your life to God or take a prayer retreat. There was a kind of pressure.
Thankfully, I have a better understanding of grace and God today. I don’t feel the need to manufacture joy, write a dozen blog posts, or draft a bunch of resolutions for public consumption as a sign of my faith.
On the whole, I think this is okay. It’s okay to be messed up. It’s okay to take your time. It’s okay to take a break. It’s okay to be in a place where you are trying to figure things out.
Sunny optimism can be an exercise of faith, but it’s not evidence of faith. Sunny optimism, when you’re not feeling “sunny,” is just annoying and pretentious.
It’s also okay to say, “God, I really don’t really feel like praying today. In fact, I am not even sure whether me praying really matters, and yet something in me still wants your blessing. For what it’s worth, Bless me God. Help me God.”
I might be writing less during the next few weeks, as I try to figure some things out, but I feel as I’m coming back.
In closing, I’d like to share this clip from Portlandia. Warning: This clip contains nothing morally redemptive. It’s just funny, in a 10 year old boy kind of way. It made me laugh, and given my recent downer of a mood, that’s saying alot.
When life seems like it’s giving you gas, may you smell apples.
It’s good to be back.